People Say To me, Oh…

by admin on January 19, 2010

[on New Kids on the Block, Rick Astley, George Michaels, et al] People say to me, “Oh, Bill, leave them alone. They’re so good, and so clean-cut, and they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don’t care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart! “Mommy, the man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose.” SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY!

Bill Hicks – Salvation

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That’s Why My Girlfriend And…

by admin on January 19, 2010

That’s why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I … well, she wanted kids. [laughs] I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas.” Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you’re so fucking altruistic, why don’t you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing … I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.

Bill Hicks – Salvation

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Pot Is A Better Drug…

January 19, 2010

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact! … I’ll prove it to you. If you’re at a ball game or a concert and someone’s really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? [The crowd answers "Drunk."] Wow! We all know the truth. Bill Hicks – Flying Saucer Tour [...]

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That’s What I Hate About…

January 19, 2010

That’s what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: “Here’s your brain, here’s your brain on drugs”, “Just Say No”, “Why do you think they call it dope?” … And then the next commercial is [singing] “This Bud’s for yooouuuu.” C’mon, everybody, let’s be hypocritical bastards. It’s okay [...]

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I Know This Is Not…

January 19, 2010

I know this is not a very popular idea. You don’t hear it too often any more … but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose – hm – one fucking [...]

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How Much Do You Smoke…

January 19, 2010

How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That’s right, two lighters! You’re a health nut compared to me. You’re like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me. Bill Hicks – Flying Saucer Tour Vol 1

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I’ve Been On What I…

January 19, 2010

I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately. I’ve been doubting my own existence. Bill Hicks – Flying Saucer Tour Vol 1

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Oh, There’s A Threat To…

January 19, 2010

Oh, there’s a threat to America! Yeah, yeah, yeah … back to that fucking COPS show. ‘Cause I’ll tell you who the threat to freedom … no, no, not to freedom. I’ll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country: it’s us. That’s why they show you shows like fucking [...]

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The Whole Image Is That…

January 19, 2010

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options. Bill Hicks – Rant In E Minor

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There’s A New Party Being…

January 19, 2010

There’s a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people, come together! “No!” We’re kind of having trouble getting off the boards, you know. Come to our meeting! “Are you gonna be there?” Yeah. “Then I ain’t fucking coming.” But you’re our strongest member! “Fuck you!” That’s what I’m [...]

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